Homeland Security Department Unveils Cheney Alert System (Borowitz Report)

Color-coded System Would Warn Nation of Future Attacks by Veep

Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff announced today that his department would immediately implement a “Cheney Alert” system to warn Americans if an attack by Vice President Dick Cheney is imminent.

The Department of Homeland Security has been under pressure to respond to the widespread panic and anxiety that have gripped the nation since Mr. Cheney shot and wounded a fellow quail hunter while on a hunting trip in Texas over the weekend.

Across the country, people have holed up in their homes and hoarded food and water, fearing another senseless attack by the gun-toting vice president.

“What we have learned, the hard way, is that Dick Cheney can attack without warning,” Mr. Chertoff said. “It is our hope that with this Cheney Alert system we will be able to give the American people some warning before he strikes again.”